The Art of the Female Wing

whatshouldwecallme:

So where to begin… AH. Well let’s talk about two weeks ago…

THE SET-UP: two disparate groups of friends. two sets of “possibles”. one goal:a connection.

It’s rare to have a night when two different groups of friends collide so perfectly, but when it does one must ALWAYS take advantage because again, for a good wing there will ALWAYS be an opportunity. For starters they already have some things in common: YOU. duh. Secondly: the moment in which collision happens (aka the place/event), which clearly shows there’s some similar interest there. And third: more often than not there’s alcohol involved. Again, duh.

So here’s how it goes:

1. The set-up. - this is the prologue before the story begins. when each character gets a glimpse of the other but it has to be just enough so as to not appear like you’re actually pushing anything but at the same time kneading out some curiosity. Subtlety is key.

2. The Intro. - do i really have to explain this?

3. The foundation. - bring something up that you KNOW they both have in common (e.g. music, pet peeves, horrible bosses) to get the conversation going, and then…

4. The distraction. - get a drink. give them that 5-10 mins of semi alone time to continue conversation you so ingeniously plant and let it blossom. This is your cue to do whatever it is you need to do to not be there: a drink, your bladder, the cute bartender, something else.

5. The check-in. - No matter how well you think it’s going as you observe from wherever you’ve landed yourself across the bar, you have to go back JUST IN CASE. You never know and it’s best not to create suspicion of a set-up. So, go back, check-in, “try” to join back in the conversation (but really, don’t try) or if necessary, salvage the situation.

6. The disappearing act. - At this point, once everyone’s all settled in their respective tentative trysts, and the banter and drinks flow, your job is done. Let “nature” take its course. Go elsewhere and drunk yourself some congratulations, you deserve it.

Whether this all works out in the end or not, it doesn’t really matter. At least you’ve got friends who are willing to come together for at least one night.

I’m going to take a brief moment to relate a recent story, one which I’m sure many a trusty wingwoman can secretly admit and relate:

This is basically how I, one of the most giving homegirls there is, felt one random Wednesday night with homegirl: THANK GOD I GOT THE CUTE ONE THIS TIME.

ain’t no shame, gurl. it’s rough sometimes. there are just nights when you need to meet some bros and the last thing you need to worry about is helping homegirl out when you yourself are feeling all sorts of shit. it’s not even about fairness. not at all. it’s not about your turn. it’s about being relieved that, without even trying, for one night in a very long time, you got the better one and you allowed yourself to take it.

“doing good” for others (homegirl) is just as important as doing good for yourself. ain’t no shame in that.

p.s. too bad the muthafuka turned out to be a dick. ah well. c’est la vie. ON TO THE NEXT. ;)

happiness is contagious and sometimes so is swag. just letting your homie know that no matter what the night brings you are in this game together can mean a whole lot. it’s the easiness of playing off each other’s game, each other’s trust, that can elevate.

TRUST.

in whatever way the night decides to go, you know when shit goes down, YOU GOOD.

Homeboy and I were at this lounge/club/bar thang the other night and I really had no goals for me or him but it turns out, when you go in with nothing you can very well come out with some personal bests without realizing.

Keep in mind this is on winging for your homeboy.

A pick up line to get it started:

“You’re so pretty, why are you sitting alone?! let dance.”

Girls will always, ALWAYS, feel more comfortable with other girls and sincerity is always key. Don’t even consult homeboy. He needs to learn that the best way is TRUST. Plus, if girls see that you are doing it FOR someone they get way turned off. That’s just truth. Everyone wants to feel that these things are as natural as possible.

So the night progressed, we all danced. Turns out this girl has two extremely hot mexican cousins, much to my delight, of course.

I call that good karma.

Over the weekend, I accompanied Homegirl to a party in Brooklyn. Said party was filled with beautiful, and quite interesting people. It was a good time. But let me just share a few things as I made my through this crowd handsome strangers.

Since Homegirl was busy with an Aussie, I, of course, in good natured ease went from awkward guest to tipsy long-lost-friend to all (and eventually slightly confused and hungry stranger again.) It was like having ten to twenty one night stands with more small talk and less sex. It was nice while it lasted.

So in retrospect this is what I can impart if you find yourself a stranger in strange land (but hopefully at least with good music).

Tip #1 :Remember, you have nothing to lose.

Honestly, you don’t know these bitches and unless they’re offering you annual raises they are no one to impress. Be yourself and offer yourself as easily as you are amazing.

Tip #2: Embrace the awkward.

This shit is only as bad as you make it. get outta your own head.

Tip #3: 3 parts gin, 1 part ginger

probably the only thing you can do to make things more awkward than they already are is if your hands are flopping around empty handed like you don’t know shit from shit. you’re at a party, it’s mandatory.

Tip #4: Laugh at EVERYTHING.

everybody wants to be a hit. let them be.

Tip #5: If you’re hungry, eat some damn bread.

And if someone tries to take that away from you (in my case LITERALLY), get the the fuck outta there. someone has had enough.

Tip #6: Make sure you have an exit strategy.

This could be in the form of knowing where your nearest subway station is/car company phone number, or a man. I hope with all hope it’s the latter.

[p.s. this is probably the best photo and everything that i want to feel this winter in nyc.]

… can sometimes be a mantra, and sometimes it has to be.

You know those times when homegirl is talking to a Questionable and you’re like

But FOR SOME REASON she is all about that shit. So you know what, when it comes down to it, it’s not your life. There’s only so much a wingwoman can do and at the end of the day, homegirl’s gonna choose to be with whomever (uglyass) she wants to be with. AGAIN, IT IS NOT YOUR LIFE.

No matter how opinionated (right) you are, you just gotta let them be.

you just sit by that bar, sip that drank, and just let her roll.

sooner or later the tequila will wear off, the sunlight will painfully hit her regret-filled morning, and then she will know… ( “aww…shit.”) she’ll tip-toe out the door…

hit that speed dial button you so trustworthily occupyand half whisper/exasperatedly exclaim “whaaattdaafuuuu——”

but then 2 seconds later you’ll both laugh hysterically.

‘cause sometimes that’s all the shit you can really do and that’s ALL RIGHT.

p.s.

unless that homie straight up UGLY then I,by all means, condone:

p.p.s.

i just gotta include:

oh paul rudd, my lover.

If you find yourself one fated night in the midst of a circle of say 8-10 males versus you and homegirl, i know it’s hard not to be like

and if said males are all good looking and you feel like you may have cheated the rest of the single female world in [insert city], it’s hard not to be all

but come on, no one is judging you, they envy you. (haters gon’ hate.) and indeed, if you want to make your rounds among these fine gents to make an informed decision for the rest of the night,

just go with it.

(mind you, this is under the assumption that said males aren’t potential rapists; protect yo’self before you wreck yo’self, ladies)

part of being a good wing is the ability to just go with the flow. as the term most aptly and ironically goes, “be easy”, and just remain cool. don’t be scurred, girl, what do you have to lose? Just make sure you don’t find yourself making the mistake of actually liking one of them (eek). you gotta try all the cookies before you settle down on prospects. be realistic: you’re out on the town to have fun, possibly meet cool people and cruise. you’re not going to find your soulmate in a night so make the most of it.  make a few jokes, charm your way into their hearts and take a few numbers. though it is a possibility you might find a good one to last for yourself, be sure to at least get a few numbers for the sake of the game.

and just in case homegirl doesn’t get a chance to get her prospects’ digits, at least you can make the link happen in some awkward way the day after… ;)

Homegirl aptly suggested, after recent relations, that I should add another grade to the system:

S = Satisfactory

N= Needs Improvement

U= Unsatisfactory, more effort needed

T= Troll

E= Exceeds Expectation

This is generally for those ones who you didn’t expect to stick around but then 4 weeks later you find yourself with a pretty reliable cuddle buddy for the winter. What a pleasant surprise, indeed.

Also for example: